Happy Birthday, Lubbins!

I absolutely cannot believe that it has been almost one year since Keith and I were blessed with our beautiful boy. In fact, it is nearly impossible to believe. What a year it has been. I had no idea how much Ryan would change my life. Everyone tells you "a baby changes everything", but until that baby crosses the threshold of your home, you can't possibly fathom HOW.

I vividly remember the night Ry was born. The first time I laid eyes on him...well, they fill up with tears just thinking about it. The entire world paused for a moment. I thought he was absolutely perfect and could not believe that this day had finally come. I had this inexplicable feeling when I saw him, like I recognized him even though I had never seen him before. And he looked at me exactly the same way. When I held him he stared at me so intensely as though he knew that I was his mother. I was finally a part of this "club", this magical, wonderful, exhausting, emotional and rewarding club called Motherhood, a club I wasn't sure I would ever be granted a membership to.

What I remember the most about our first days at home with Ryan are the times when I would hold him and he would just stare at me. When he would wake up in my arms, and those little dark blue eyes would squint as he tried to focus on me, and I felt this overwhelming need to protect him for the rest of his life. Then my head would fill with thoughts such as, "he is going to grow up too fast!", "someday he is going to leave me!", and even,"God help the person that ever tries to f*#k with him, they will have hell to pay!"!!! Total Mama Bear. And then I would see a school bus driving down the street and shed a tear for the day that he would be old enough to ride that school bus.

I think I have reached a balance since then. Yes, I will struggle with the fact that Ryan is not a baby anymore, but I am excited for what is next. Soon he will be walking, and talking, and running, and learning all kinds of new, exciting things. He is a mellow kid who loves to observe, with an eagerness for new things. When we drop him off at school he immediately starts to play, and is like "Mom who?" when I leave. As hard as it was for me to adjust to going back to work, I love that he can be content without me.

On the flip side of that, I really love and cherish our alone time together. I love kissing those chubby cheeks and twirling him around while singing made up songs. One day he will be thoroughly embarrassed by my made up songs, but now they make him giggle. His giggle is permanently etched in my mind, the look of pure joy he has while unknowingly displaying the cutest gap between his two front teeth. Some of my favorite names for him are Lubbins (a Buck Wheat version of Lovins), Boopsy-Loo (i think our days are numbered with that one), Apple Dumplin', and Stinka/Stink-a-Link. I am sure once he starts to get a better command of the english language he will not approve of any of these names!!

Happy first birthday, Lubbins! No matter how old you are, you will always be my baby.