Reckoning

Well, tomorrow is D-Day. The bubble that we have been living in is about to pop. I think I am as ready as I can be to go back to work. More than anything, I am already getting nostalgic about the first 3 months of Ryan's life. It flew by! And as much as we have a ton to look forward to as Ryan learns and grows, I will never get those first 3 months back. They were the best of times and the worst of times filled with highs and lows.

First of all, I am still sometimes in awe that I carried a baby for 9 months and gave birth. I am so grateful for the experience and feel so lucky to have had a healthy little boy. Coming home from the hospital and the newness of everything was quite an adjustment. We were clueless! And tired! We wanted the nurses from the hospital there with us 24/7 telling us what to do. Sleep deprivation can challenge even the strongest of relationships. The first month was hard, I won't try to sugar coat it. There is nothing that can prepare you for parenthood...nothing. But along with the challenges of it all there was also great joy. Staring at Ryan for hours as he slept was true contentment. Getting to know him and his little personality, wondering what the future might hold for him, being there for him at every cry or whimper...that is what I love about being a mom.

As time goes on, things continue to get easier. Ryan is good natured and a champion of sleep. There are always challenges, but as we get to know him we are better able to provide him with what he needs. The biggest lightbulb moment for me was discovering his tired- and overtired cues. For the longest time we wondered why Ry would get so agitated and fussy every couple of hours. We chalked it up to gas, especially since he had all of those digestive issues at 4 weeks. As I was reading up on infant sleep I realized he was just plain tired!!! We had to soothe him out of that cranky state and into la la land. And now I am a self proclaimed sleep nazi. I will take that title any day if it means long naps and a baby that sleeps 10 hour stretches at night! Once Keith and I started getting better sleep everything seemed much rosier.

Seeing Ryan smile (legitimately) for the first time was pure glee! My all time favorite time of day is when I go to his crib in the morning and he is all smiles. The ones where he opens his mouth, smiles and coos because he is so happy to see you. He also really likes to be on his changing table. Not necessarily being changed, but laying on the table interacting with us. He smiles and babbles, and when there is music on, will sing with us. Those are the moments that I live for! Watching him play, shake his rattle, stare at a block on his play gym, knowing that he is taking it all in and figuring things out...fills me up like nothing else can. And kissing those chubby cheeks, well I could do that all day. I want to continue giving him his nighttime bottle even though Keith has offered to do it as I go back to work. I love that time together. It is so peaceful and it is time that we will never get back once it is gone.

I feel ready to go back to work because I love routine. I am ready to see my friends at work and get back to my job, even though my priorities are much different now. I have to get ready to let go a little...Ryan may not always eat when I would feed him, or sleep when I would have put him down for a nap. It won't be easy to relinquish the control but it will be good for me~ and for him. We can't live in a bubble forever! I can only hope that this will make Ryan a more flexible and well adjusted child.

I will forever look back at this time off with nostalgia. To date, becoming a parent has been the most difficult yet rewarding job I have ever had. My relationship with Keith has grown by leaps and bounds and I wouldn't want to share this journey with anyone else on the planet. He is an amazing father! So I know with this next transition I will be okay. I have my boys, we are a family, and we will all be okay. The journey continues....